Welcome back to 1 out of 5 – Would Recommend, where later gold does nothing to hide early trash. This week, Oscar Month brings us the 1991 Vanilla Ice vehicle Cool As Ice.
What’s The Plot?
While on the road to their next gig, the motorcycle ridden by one of Vanilla Ice’s posse suffers a breakdown. Stuck in a small town waiting for it to be fixed, Ice romances a local uptight honey and rescues her from her father’s old big city criminal associates. Wait…what?
The pop culture mistakes of the 90’s, summed up in one image.
And the Oscar Goes To…
Cinematographer Janusz Kamiński, winner of Best Cinematography for Schindler’s List and Saving Private Ryan. Everybody has to start somewhere, and this picture came out the same year that Steven Spielberg discovered Mr. Kamiński – he won his first Oscar on a Spielberg picture only two years later. Still, one has to imagine that this flick has looong since fallen off the bottom the resume.
Five Reasons to See It
- Michael Gross – who probably hopes to be best remembered as Burt Gummer in literally everything the Tremors people offer him – plays the uptight suburban dad who doesn’t approve of Vanilla Ice dating his daughter. Which is a tired cliché, mitigated by the character being an ex-cop who thinks Ice is working for the corrupt former colleagues that he’s hiding from.
- Vanilla Ice arguably has many talents – rapping, dancing, real estate investment – but acting isn’t one of them. He’s technically playing a character here…but you’re really just gonna wonder why they keep calling Robert “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle by the name Johnny throughout the movie.
- Ice makes like Edward Cullen and romantically breaks into his love interest’s bedroom, where he awakens her by slipping an ice cube in her mouth.
He also takes on a date to a construction site, where they frolic together.
Remember Kids: Stalking is love!
- Not gonna lie, cinematography’s actually pretty good.
- “Across the street to, us, schling a schlong.” – ….Ewwwwwwwwwww. No one wants to discuss your schlong, Mr. Van Winkle, much less where you’re schlinging it.
Recommendation
Look, there are two kinds of people in this world: those who hear that there’s a Vanilla Ice movie and want to watch it, and normal people. If you’re with me in the former category, know that the movie is the weirdest remake/ripoff of a Marlon Brando picture that will ever be committed to film. If you’re in the latter camp, I applaud your life choices.
Zordon’s early Power Ranger experiments kinda sucked.
NEXT WEEK: An actress steps off the Oscar stage and into a pile of poo with 2003’s Catwoman.
